Mr. Self-Destruction - by Pastor Riley

This is an awesome piece that wonderfully speaks the truth of our lives in sin and the greater truth for us in Jesus Christ.  Wonderfully done!!!  Thank you Pastor Riley!

MR. SELF DESTRUCTION

Posted on March 15, 2014 by Pastor Riley's Blog under Uncategorized

I was Mr. Self Destruct. There was no relationship I could not drag down and use up. No truth from which I would not run. No need I did not need to satisfy more. Denial, guilt, and fear controlled me. The hatred with which I hated myself controlled me; because I was worthless.

As St. Paul put it, I am predestined for the Good News of Jesus Christ. I am chosen to believe that He made me His destination. He knew me when He wove me together in the secret of my mother’s womb. He stopped the hands on the clock when I thought ticking time was running out. When everything slipped away He grabbed hold of it all for me, stayed with me, brought me near, to give Himself to me. God lowered Himself to me, to pick me up off the garbage heap.

I was worthless as a pen that does not write. More than that, I thought I was born into it. My very existence was worth nothing. I was destined to be used up then thrown away.

Even a godless man can embrace predestination. From the start the poisonous idea grew: Drive people away before they realize the truth, or prove myself invaluable to them. The fruit of power and coercion. A bitter harvest.

For the broken-hearted, who believe in opposition to experience and reason that they are not worth anything to anyone, truth is not going to change the way they lie. They believe they do not live an ordinary life.

I am forty-two years old now. Heart-breaking love from and for my wife and children means less confusion. The illusion that I felt was unreal. When I fell apart, the worst of all, time and memory used me up and threw me away, God reached down to take hold of what He had made and declared that it was very good.

I don’t wonder who I am supposed to be anymore. I live an ordinary life. I live a life by faith in the Son of God who let Himself be used up and thrown away for me.

Even though the belief still lurks in the darkness of my imagination, I do not define myself by who I think I am supposed to be. Who I am is who I am supposed to be in relation to the Son of God. “I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

My need, my values, my hopes that traverse the length of my heart to the brain, are planted and nurtured, plucked up and pulled out, by the one who was treated as human refuse. The man who died in a dump behind the city some two thousand years in the past. The Suffering Servant who willingly took my place on the garbage heap. The same Jesus who, I believe, rose from the dead, rose up into the heavens, who on the Last Day will raise me and all the dead, and give to me and all my brothers and sisters in Christ a seat at the eternal, heavenly feast.

“Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.”

I have made permissible what I have known not to be ...

Woe to me, O my soul,

For in my presumption,

I am left without a desire to repent,

I know not if my sorrow is godly or self-pity.

Surely I have wearied myself,

By my constant presumption upon the Lord’s mercy,

I have made permissible what I have known not to be,

Leaving my conscience seared 

and me unsure of what is truth and what is not,

And I am in anguish of heart and bitterness of soul.

Have mercy, O Lord, have mercy on me!

Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean,

Wash me, wash all of me and I shall be clean.

Surely I am a great and grievous sinner,

My origin defiled the moment of my conception,

My birth stained,

My youth ensnared,

My adulthood corrupted,

My age bespotted.

My imaginations vain,

My thoughts sinful,

My words wicked,

My actions abominable,

My life and my all surely a sink of sin and all uncleanliness.

I desire You, O Lord,

I desire Your mercies O Lord,

Not that I may presume upon them,

But that I may confess myself and my sins 

for what I am and what I have done,

And here You speak to me the words of eternal life.

O Lord, merciful Lord,

Create in me a clean heart,

Renew a right understanding of You,

Of Your mercies

And of my life in them.

Have mercy, O Christ,

Have mercy and be gracious to me,

Good Lord. Amen.

pmwl

Presumptuous Sins - ... by my presumptuous living, I have mocked His mercy ...

Surely I am most vain, O my soul,

How pathetic must my condition be,

That I would presume on the mercy of God.

How can I be so foolish to believe

God shall freely favor me in the very thing,

That He has so severely punished His own Son?

How absurdly foolish I am to think that the holy blood of Jesus was shed so that I might cherish sin?

Awake! Awake! O my soul,

Do not be deceived,

The Christ who is come to save,

Also calls me and all to repentance.

What kind of nonsense would you think O my soul,

So as to say by my actions,

That because God is merciful, 

patient and abounding in love,

I am free to abuse 

His mercies in sinning,

His patience by continuing to freely sin,

and His great love by my lack of love?

Surely by my presumptuous living,

I have mocked His mercy,  

Defied His Word,

And invited His wrath.

Do not be so foolish O my soul,

To believe that God is so merciful,

That He shall be untrue to Himself.

All the ways of God are love,

Each is filled with mercies brand new,

And eternal truth.

Surely the Lord is my all in all, O my soul,

Out of Himself, He freely grants me:

Mercy to support me in my weakness,

Truth to reveal Him to me in my error,

And love to find me when I am lost.

Have mercy, O Lord, have mercy and be gracious to me.

Great is Your faithfulness and favor,

Surely it last to all generations,

To all those who call upon You.

Have mercy, O Lord, have mercy and forgive me.

“If You, O LORD, should mark iniquities,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with You there is forgiveness,

that You may be feared.

I wait for the LORD,

my soul waits,

and in his word I hope.” Ps 130:3-5

Wait for the Lord, O my soul,

Hope in Him, O my soul,

And wait for Him.

For though I am dead in my trespasses,

The Living God makes alive in Christ,

Having forgiven me all my trespasses,

By canceling the record of debt that stands against me

With all its legal demands.

He has set this aside, set it apart from me,

By nailing it to the cross of Christ. Co 2:13-14.

Look to the Lord and repent, O my soul,

“For with the LORD there is steadfast love, and with Him is plentiful redemption.” Ps 130:7

Have mercy, O Christ,

have mercy and be gracious to me. Amen.

pmwl 

What God is so loving that He sends His Son ...

Blessed are the people who know the festal shout, who walk, O LORD, in the light of your face … Psalm 89:15 (ESV)

God my God, my Father God,
I must confess to You that too often I am like those who does not know the festal shout.
Surely I have heard it from Your servants!
Surely I have read it from Your sacred Scriptures!
Surely I have proclaimed this festal shout!
Yet just as surely, I have not known this shout!
For too often my itching ears long for some other shout that will say and save what my sinful flesh hungers for.
And I have made my walk, not in the light of Your face, but in the light of men’s faces,
Hoping that in the light of their faces I shall hear the shouts that will set me free to indulge myself and forget my responsibilities to God and my neighbor.
Yet, I find that in the light of their faces and in the sounds of their shouts –
there is no light, no shout that can that set me free from me and the darkness that is mine in sin.
How sadly do I lament that so often it is only here, in the bondage of my own sinful darkness,
that I long to hear and know that festal shout.
How sadly do I lament that too often it is only here,
in the darkness that all human light brings,
that I long to see the “light of your face”,
let alone walk in it.
Yet it is here, in this darkness that I fear the festal shouts,
“Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:10-11
What God, what a glorious God is He who has loves us, loves me!
What God is so loving that He sends His Son,
to have Him know my sinful shout,
and know the deafening silence of God against my sinful shout,
that I might forever hear and know the festal shout of God’s forgiveness in His Son.
What God is so loving that He sends His Son,
to have Him walk in the darkness of my face and walk in the darkness of God’s face against my darkened face,
that I might forever walk the light of Lord’s forgiving face upon me in His Son.
What is the Festal shout?
What is the light of God’s face?
Surely it only and always the Lord Jesus Christ, 
only begotten Son of God and Son of man. 

Give me ears to hear Your festal shout!
Lead my heart to walk in the light of Your face!
Make my spirit to exalt in Your name!
Exalt me in Your righteousness,
because You are the glory of my strength,
and by Your good favor, my horn is exalted.
Exalt me in Your righteousness,
because my shield is You, O Lord,
my King, my Holy One, my Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen. (Ps 89:16-18)

- pmwl

Lest I stagger away from You, as a blind man from his rescuer and guide.

"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law." Psalm 119:18

Lord have mercy, and open my eyes.

I confess my blindness in the hearing of Your Word.

Surely my ears may hear Your words,

But I see nothing in the hearing.

Surely I may know the words You speak,

Yet I have no spiritual sight.

Because it is Your Word,

It teems with great and wondrous treasures it bestows on the one who is given sight;

Awesome and awful are the marvels and wonders it works on the one who is able to see;

Many are the miracles it bears and brings to the one who is made to see;

Multitudes of mysteries does it reveal to the one who is given eyes to see;

Sacred secrets are unveiled to the one who is given vision;

And eternal life and living it births and sustains in the one who is enabled to look.

Yet, being conceived and born in sin,

I am blind, and am powerless of myself,

To have any sight and seeing in Your Word.

Have mercy Lord, and open my eyes.

As you opened the eyes of man born blind,

So open my eyes that the wonderful works of God may be displayed in my life.

My lack of vision is not due to any obscurity in Your Word,

I do not ask that You make Your Word simpler or plainer,

I pray have mercy and open my eyes,

That I may see the simple and plain truth

of You and Your steadfast love for me.

Blessed Lord, You asked the two blind men outside Jericho, (Mk 10)

“What would you have me do for you?”

The prayer of both was the same as mine:

“Lord, let our eyes be opened.”

And yet, O Lord, I would beg more of You,

Where You provide the privilege of sight,

Let me never neglect this privilege,

Nor what You show me in Your Word,

Lest I stagger away from You,

as a blind man from his rescuer and guide.

Blessed Lord, have mercy,

I place my eyes and my prayer in Christ,

and pray, open my eyes. Amen.

pmwl

Yet, still You call to me, You say to me, LIVE..

Blessed God and holy Father,

I flee this hour to Your rich mercies.

For I have sinned and freely done what is evil in Your sight.

If I but reflect moment on Your great goodness to me,

And my own vileness in sin to You,

I am surely ashamed to appear in Your sight.

You constantly call me to repentance,

But I have refused to listened, I have refused to turned.

You lovingly invite me to Your mercies, new each morning,

Yet I have knowingly and willingly sought others.

You have graciously offered me Christ’s righteousness for mine,

Yet I have preferred my own.

You cloth me in the clothing of Christ Himself,

Yet I have recklessly torn and tattered them.

You enrich me with Your grace,

Yet I have robbed You of the honor due.

You give to me a contrite heart,

Yet I am not rightly grieved over my sins.

You give me a believing heart,

Yet I do not trust You.

All this, and more, You do for me even now in Jesus Christ,

Yet for all this, I have been most rebellious,

and unconscious of You.

Seeing all this,

a mere fraction of what You see in me,

what can I expect from You,

but the death my sin has rightly earned me.

Yet, still You call to me,

You say to me, LIVE.

O Steadfast Love, even Jesus Christ

grant to my sinful and sorry soul,

Your rich streams of forgiveness,

That flow from Your Holy Wounds.

Open the eyes of faith for me,

Let me see You in Your great patience,

Let me see You in Your great goodness,

Let me see You In Your mercies that never come to an end.

Have mercy O Lord, have mercy.

Let me hear Your words of eternal life,

Let Your Spirit revive me in the life of Christ,

And let Your great love keep in the truth faith unto life eternal.

IN Christ! Amen.

 pmwl

... in Whom I now thrust my sinful self, body and soul ...

A CONFESSION OF SINS - I

Blessed Lord, 

I confess that in the midst of Your goodness and mercy toward me,

The course of my life and living 

has been turn in rebellion against You and my neighbor.

My eyes are satisfied only 

with what I do not have and cannot have.

My tongue has a taste only 

for those words that judge, hurt, find fault and belittle.

My ears are tuned only

to the sounds of personal praise and commendation.

My hands have a touch only 

for taking and holding.

My feet are fit only 

for running after selfish gain and gratification.

My heart is filled only 

with love of self and all that indulges me.

I am most rightly ready for destruction.

Surely I have sinned against Your Word,

against Your judgments,

against Your promises,

against Your mercies,

and against Your grace.

Surely I have sinned against my own conscience,

and against the holy movements of Your Spirit within me.

Yet I call upon You, for You are merciful and gracious.

Your steadfast love endures forever.

I call to You for forgiveness

because great are Your compassions toward me in Jesus Christ.

I call to You to be gracious to me

because Your mercies never come to an end.

I humbly confess to You, O Lord,

that I am not worthy 

to receive and enjoy 

Your blessed love and forgiveness,

Yet my faith is not in my unworthiness,

nor in my sin,

but in Jesus Christ.

It is He alone who is worthy

and in His great love,

He has united me to Himself

and made me worthy in Him 

to receive the blessings of Your favor.

I am a sinner,

and yet I am Your child in Jesus Christ,

have mercy upon me,

and make we to dwell in Him,

in whom I now thrust my sinful self,

body and soul,

for His saving salvation and protection.

Amen. 

pmwl.

I have little memory of ... Yet I cannot forget how exploitively I

“Deal bountifully with your servant, that I may live and keep your word.” Psalm 119:17

“Deal bountifully”, award me good things, reward me with good things, O Lord?

How shall I dare to ask such a thing of the Lord, O my soul?

What have I ever thought so true so as to be truly worthy of any good for it?

What have I ever desired so purely that I should receive pure goodness for it?

What have I ever said so fittingly that I am fit for reward for it?

What have I ever done so perfectly that I perfectly deserve to be awarded for it?

More to the point, O my soul,

God awards and rewards by giving what is wanted most. (Rm 1:24, 26, 28)

According to my dealing with Him, my reward, my award ought be that He not deal with me, O my soul,

For how often have I ran faster and further than Jonah to avoid dealing with Him, with His Word.

How is it, O my soul, that I have little memory of what I chose to deal with rather than the Lord,

Yet I cannot forget how exploitively I have dealt with the goodness of the Lord.

And yet, O my soul, it is through my exploitation of the Lord’s goodness,

That the Lord deals bountifully with me.

Mark well, O my soul, this Lord came, even Jesus Christ,

to the exploiters to be exploited by me and by all,

so that He might own my exploitation of God’s goodness,

and thus be awarded, be rewarded by God, 

according to my exploitation.

Mark well, O my soul, this Lord Jesus Christ,

Deeply exploited by me through the ministers of my sin,

Deals even more bountifully by asking that I be forgiven,

That I not be awarded, be rewarded according to my sins.

Mark well, O my soul, this Lord Jesus Christ, crucified,

Deals with the reward of God’s wrath that I have earned,

And receives the award of death I compete daily for in my sin.

Mark well, O my soul, this Lord Jesus Christ, resurrected,

Deals with my death by receiving the reward of resurrection,

And awards the words of eternal life to the exploiters

so that we might become the servants of the Lord.

How shall I ask that the Lord deal with me bountifully, O my soul?

I shall ask because it is only out of His bounty that the Lord spoke His Word to me, making me alive to live as His servant.

I shall ask because it is only out of the bounty of the Lord still speaking His Word to me, that I continue to live as His servant.

I shall ask because it is only out of His bounty of the Lord continuing to speak His Word to me, that I shall be kept alive forever as His servant.

Have mercy, O Lord!

Have mercy and deal bountifully with me, that I may live and keep Your Word through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

- pmwl 

Teach me ... for I am learned in the statutes of the flesh.

"Blessed are you, O LORD; teach me your statutes!" Psalm 119:12

Teach me, YOUR statutes O LORD, not mine.

Teach me your statutes, for I am ever inclined to be taught by my holy feelings,

though they be real,

they sustain me only until I crash on the shores of my sinful life.

Teach me, YOUR statutes O LORD, not mine,

for I am ever prone to be taught by my holy desires,

though they seem fit for the time and place,

I cannot see what shall come beyond the horizon of their satisfaction.

Teach me, YOUR statutes O LORD, not mine,

for I am ever eager to be taught by my own most holy thoughts,

though they make good measure of what I know,

my thoughts cannot rightly measure the length and breadth of my sin, nor the height and depth of my need in sin.

Teach me, YOUR statutes O LORD, not mine.

Surely I am learned in the statutes of the flesh, O my soul.

For my heart is ever inclined to the teachings of sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, strife, jealously, anger, rivalry, dissension, division and envy. (Ga 5:19-20)

Surely I am learned in the statutes of sin, O my soul.

For I am well educated in being a proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, conceited, brutal treacherous, and reckless.

I am well practiced in being a lover of self, a lover of money, and a lover of pleasure rather than a lover of God. (2 Tim 3:2-6)

Have mercy O LORD, and teach me!

For I can have the form of godliness, but not knowing its power, apart from Your teaching, I can only deny it. (2:Tim 3:5)

Have mercy O LORD, and do not avoid me.

Have mercy O LORD, and teach me!

Listen and learn from the Lord, O my soul!

He who issues His statutes, knows them best, O my soul,

be taught by Him.

He who's wisdom decreed His statutes, binds Himself to them, O my soul,

abide with Him.

He who has made Himself my Lord, makes Himself responsible for me and my keeping of His statutes,

and I am saved, O my soul,

believe in Him.

Blessed are you, O LORD; teach me your statutes. Amen.

-pmwl 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it; Prone to leave the God I love.

“With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!”  Psalm 119:10

Have mercy upon me, O Lord,

Have mercy upon me.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;

Prone to leave the God I love.

Mark well, O my soul, how prone I am to forsake the right way,

Prone to be led astray.

Prone to gain from any wrongdoing.

What shall I become, O my soul, if I wander from the Lord’s commandments?

Soul, have you not noticed that when I wander, I become a waterless spring, a mist driven by storm and strife.

Soul, have you not seen that when I stray, I am easily enticed by sensual passions.

Soul, are you not aware that when I depart, I do so on the promise of freedom only to find myself a slave to corruption.

Soul, do you not know that when I roam, surely I become entangled in the very defilements I have been saved from.

Soul, surely you know that in my wanderings, I am the dog returning to its own vomit, the sow, after washing herself, returning to wallow in the mire. (1 Pe. 2:15-20)

Know then O my soul, that when I wander from form His commandments, I shall be scattered, with none of earth to search for me, none to seek me, none to find me. (Ez. 36:6)

My heart may seek the Lord, O my soul,

but my constant wanderings testify that I have sought Him with less than my whole heart.

Surely in my wanderings I am lost, O my soul! (Ps 119:176)

Hope in the Lord, O my soul, hope in the Lord,

For He who’s love is steadfast and endures forever,

He alone has met me where my sins have taken me, even in damnation and death.

He alone comes to me with the commandments fulfilled for me.

He alone ever seeks me with His whole heart,

He alone brings God to me as Savior.

He alone baptizes me and I am born again.

He alone creates in me a clean heart.

And He alone never wanders from me.

It is by grace, O my soul that I am saved from my wanderings,

It is a gift that I mine through faith in Him, even Jesus Christ.

Have mercy Lord,

With Your whole heart have mercy on me.

 Oh, to grace how great a debtor

    Daily I’m constrained to be;

Let that grace now like a fetter
    Bind my wand’ring heart to Thee:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;

    Prone to leave the God I love.

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

    Seal it for Thy courts above.  Amen.

COME THOU FOUNT OF EVERY BLESSING

-pmwl